The last few days I've felt quite emotionally fragile - weepy and low, and not feeling able to cope with much. I've wanted to cry for no discernible reason, On Saturday I had to leave my course after lunch - if I'd stayed any longer I would've just broken down in tears. I knew that leaving early would mean being paired with someone different for my case study - someone I don't get on with - but I just wasn't able to continue.
I've felt a lot more apathetic and lethargic. On Friday I did the absolute minimum work for my course that I could do, and since then, despite having lots of things to do, I've just not cared enough about anything to get them done. I've ignored messages from friends for no good reason, I just have no desire to do anything.
I'm worried I'm slipping. I seem to have be climbing a gradual but steady incline for a while, and now it feels like I'm starting to slip back down the track. I'm worried that I'll gain momentum and end up hurtling right back down to the base of the slope. I'm worried I won't be able to finish my course, that this'll be another thing in a long line of tasks I haven't been able to complete. Just another thing in a long list of failures. I'm worried that I'm not really even ill anymore, that I'm just a lazy person who can't be bothered to do anything. Maybe I've become so used to not being able to do things, to feeling and acting depressed, that it's just become the way I operate. It's just become second nature and I don't even bother trying.
Hang in there. That feeling of slipping is scary - very scary - but you're one of the strongest people I have met.
ReplyDeleteRegarding failure... failure is a thing that happens. For every failure something is learned. I'm not saying it's great, but it's not the end of the world... though that feeling of shame at failure is not ideal... I don't know where I'm going with this.
What is "ill"? I don't think you're a lazy person at all. A lazy person is fully capable of doing it, but chooses not to. You look at it and say "Well, I could do it, but it would cost me 8 of my 10 spoons. It's ultimately not worth it".
You are unwell, and it requires more spoons for you to do everyday tasks. The fact that you've learned to pick your battles and manage your personal resources is an incredibly valuable skill and when you are through this illness, and healthy again, you will have a skill the vast majority of people don't have. You'll be crazy terrifying efficient.
Besides. Depression is more than just a chemical issue. It's also a mental pattern. People can get into a rut in their thinking, and the older you get the harder it is to break out of it. This is why people can be incredibly stubborn in some things, or always approach something the same way. Look at the Deep South of the USA for a fine example.
So while maybe you can just /think/ your way out of some kinds of depression, nobody said it was easy. It's just as difficult to break out of that depression as it is to break out of any other kind of depression. Regardless of the cause of your depressions and troubles, the fact is that they exist. They exist and they are real and they are serious problems in your life.
Hang in there, do your best, and remember that you have a support network all around you. Your friends are here for you.