"I've been crying for at least an hour. One whole fucking hour. I'm so pissed off with myself for still being like this. I want to scream and shout and beat myself up for still being this pathetic, weak, useless excuse for a human being. I want to punish myself for feeling like this. I want to hurl abuse at this pathetic person who's taken over and bleed her out of my body. I should be over A by now. Wtf is wrong with me? God I hate myself so much. I wish I'd just die."
It's amazing how much better I've got in just 4 months. I'm now settled into a new house with a new housemate, both of which seem to be really helping me. I've been getting up, showered and dressed every day since moving here, getting out of the house to walk Dorian, and even getting my washing up done! Aside from the practical things though, mentally, I've been feeling almost normal again. Sure, I still have dips where I feel low, but they're nowhere near as severe as they used to be, and don't last anywhere near as long. I've actually started thinking about the future now, and have even begun planning things I want to do with my life! Yes, I still think about A from time to time and feel a bit sad that something so wonderful had to end, and there's still a part of me that hopes that we could be together again, but overall, I'm starting to get some of my life back. I'm enjoying things, and often feeling like a functioning human.
I've been using a website called moodscope to keep track of my moods, and looking at the overall graph since I started in July, you can see the improvement already!
So this is partly a reminder to myself, that despite feeling a bit low today, things are actually going lots better in the grand scheme of things. I might feel low compared to yesterday, but a couple of months ago I was nowhere near this level, and hopefully that trend will keep going.
