Loss

Blogs have been the only place I've been able to be fully truthful about what's happened in my life, but apparently some people in my family who don't believe what's happened have think I'm delirious and a lier. I've lost one of only two people who I thought actually understood what I'd gone through and it turns out the whole time they think I've been making things up. So I guess now I don't have anywhere at all to talk about my problems. Back to bottling everything up and my mental health getting worse I guess.

Vanity

Trigger warning: self-harm mention

Sat in a really long six hour rehearsal for an upcoming performance, and we just had our photos taken for the programme. The photos of me on the camera were so unbelievably unattractive that I just burst out crying. I've been relatively comfortable with my body and looks for a while, and today has just brought all of that crashing down. It's made me really want to self-harm again to punish myself for being so utterly hideous. I want to slash and physically cut parts of my body off. What the actual fuck is wrong with me? This is not a normal reaction, especially when I've felt so fine about my body for so long. I can't believe that something so small can give me such an intense reaction. I'm meant to be all body-positive and stuff, but when it's me that can all go out of the window in a matter of seconds. I feel like such a fraud.