I was in a group counselling session for depression yesterday. One of the men there was saying that he just needed to 'man up' about all this, in order to get stuff done.
Now as some of you may know, I have big problems with the phrase 'man up', but this was a counselling session to help each other, and I didn't think was the time or place to be bringing up issues of patriarchal gender roles, so I was just sitting quietly, wishing he'd stop using that phrase.
The therapist leading the session then looked over to me and asked what I thought. I debated whether to speak up about the phrase, and as I couldn't think of anything to say about the original question the man had been answering, I decided to say how I was feeling. I said that I had big problems with the phrase 'man up', because of the patriarchal gender roles it imposed, and how it implied that being a man was better than being a woman, etc etc. I then had to take myself out of the room for a minute or two because talking about that wasn't something I could handle at the time.
When I came back in, the man in question was still saying the same things, but he started using the phrase 'being pro-active' instead. I hadn't imagined that he would change his speech because of something I said, and was quite touched by that.
The following day at lunch, he told me that he liked that I'd said that, and he saw what I meant. He also said that the phrase 'man up' was more aggressive and put a lot more pressure on himself, which 'being proactive' didn't. He's continued using 'being proactive' ever since.
I was surprised that he hadn't just changed the things he was saying because I'd said I didn't like it - it actually got through to him and changed the way he looked at things!
I think I might have to start speaking up more often!
Wednesday 22 January 2014
Tuesday 14 January 2014
I'm a real boy!
I'm feeling optimistic. I am steadily starting to get my life back on the rails. I rearranged my lounge this week, tidied my bedroom, and even have a working boiler which gives me hot water and heating when I ask for it! I've also been attending job interviews for jobs I actually want to get, and this time round, instead of hoping I don't get any because I don't feel I can cope with one, I actually really want to be successful with these!
I've also gone back to attending therapy at the Priory, and this time round, it's really helping! I think I'm finally in a good enough place to be able to put all of the things into action. I'm using all the skills and techniques I'm being taught, and they're actually working! I've had thoughts which previously would have given me the desire to self-harm, and even suicidal ideation, and using the coping strategies I've been given, I've been able to stop the thoughts in their tracks, and think about something else!
I'm also starting to see friends more, and get a bit of a social life back.
Long story short, I feel like I'm actually starting to become me again. It's been a very long process - around two years or so - but I'm finally starting to feel like a real person again, and I can't tell you how happy that makes me.
Of course there are still going to be bad moments - leaves on the line, to carry on the metaphor - but I'm now confident that I'll be able to deal with them and carry on. I'll still need my support network from time to time, but I hope that those times will become less and less frequent as I become more adept at using the skills I'm learning.
I've also gone back to attending therapy at the Priory, and this time round, it's really helping! I think I'm finally in a good enough place to be able to put all of the things into action. I'm using all the skills and techniques I'm being taught, and they're actually working! I've had thoughts which previously would have given me the desire to self-harm, and even suicidal ideation, and using the coping strategies I've been given, I've been able to stop the thoughts in their tracks, and think about something else!
I'm also starting to see friends more, and get a bit of a social life back.
Long story short, I feel like I'm actually starting to become me again. It's been a very long process - around two years or so - but I'm finally starting to feel like a real person again, and I can't tell you how happy that makes me.
Of course there are still going to be bad moments - leaves on the line, to carry on the metaphor - but I'm now confident that I'll be able to deal with them and carry on. I'll still need my support network from time to time, but I hope that those times will become less and less frequent as I become more adept at using the skills I'm learning.
Friday 3 January 2014
New Year's Eve Rollercoaster
Trigger warnings - self-harm, suicide attempts
So, New Year's Eve. I think I managed fairly well, considering. It was a very up-and-down evening for emotions.
I went to a party at a friend's house. It started out fairly well: friends, drinks, laughter, chatting, etc. Lately however, alcohol and I haven't been the best of friends - it's often contributed to making me feel depressed. All was going well (even very well) until a little later.
First off, a friend made a joke about suicide. He looked over and apologised, and I smiled. I thought I was fine. Yeah...
A few moments later another friend noticed me being 'fine' and took me into the other room, where I had a bit or a cry. Ok, a lot of a cry. He was understanding and supportive and generally lovely, and made me feel good again. There may then have been some kissing =P
I went back into the room again, and everything was ok again for a while. I got rather sleepy for a bit, but perked up again with some more sugary drinks and chatting. When it came to midnight, people did the countdown thing, and went outside to watch the fireworks. As I stood there, I remembered my last new year, when I'd been with my ex, drinking champagne, kissing and cuddling, setting off fireworks, laughing and joking and generally being happy.
I tried to stay outside with everyone else but the thoughts just got louder until I was standing there with tears silently streaming down my face.
Again, a friend came and took my inside, and let me cry on him. I asked to be left alone, and for a while he stayed with me because he could see that I probably shouldn't be alone. Once I was alone in the kitchen, I looked through the knife drawer. I took out the largest knife and dragged it across my arm. For once, this wasn't intended as self-harm to try to prevent suicide. It was to cut as deep as possible in order to cut my veins open and bleed out. Well luckily the friend whose house I was at had really shit knives. It barely even cut through my skin! I tried another 4 knives, and the same thing happened. Seriously. I was pressing really hard! I finally decided it obviously wasn't meant to be, and I tried to carry on socialising.
I cried on a few other people, and eventually started to feel a bit better, and ended up staying up 'til 4:30 just chatting and playing with friends, and actually really enjoyed the rest of the evening!
So, New Year's Eve. I think I managed fairly well, considering. It was a very up-and-down evening for emotions.
I went to a party at a friend's house. It started out fairly well: friends, drinks, laughter, chatting, etc. Lately however, alcohol and I haven't been the best of friends - it's often contributed to making me feel depressed. All was going well (even very well) until a little later.
First off, a friend made a joke about suicide. He looked over and apologised, and I smiled. I thought I was fine. Yeah...
A few moments later another friend noticed me being 'fine' and took me into the other room, where I had a bit or a cry. Ok, a lot of a cry. He was understanding and supportive and generally lovely, and made me feel good again. There may then have been some kissing =P
I went back into the room again, and everything was ok again for a while. I got rather sleepy for a bit, but perked up again with some more sugary drinks and chatting. When it came to midnight, people did the countdown thing, and went outside to watch the fireworks. As I stood there, I remembered my last new year, when I'd been with my ex, drinking champagne, kissing and cuddling, setting off fireworks, laughing and joking and generally being happy.
I tried to stay outside with everyone else but the thoughts just got louder until I was standing there with tears silently streaming down my face.
Again, a friend came and took my inside, and let me cry on him. I asked to be left alone, and for a while he stayed with me because he could see that I probably shouldn't be alone. Once I was alone in the kitchen, I looked through the knife drawer. I took out the largest knife and dragged it across my arm. For once, this wasn't intended as self-harm to try to prevent suicide. It was to cut as deep as possible in order to cut my veins open and bleed out. Well luckily the friend whose house I was at had really shit knives. It barely even cut through my skin! I tried another 4 knives, and the same thing happened. Seriously. I was pressing really hard! I finally decided it obviously wasn't meant to be, and I tried to carry on socialising.
I cried on a few other people, and eventually started to feel a bit better, and ended up staying up 'til 4:30 just chatting and playing with friends, and actually really enjoyed the rest of the evening!
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