Trigger warning: suicide attempt
I thought everything was going fine until a couple of days ago. I honestly did. I realised I'd been a lot more apathetic recently, and had felt a bit lovely, but it didn't seem too bad. The way I was feeling had become normal.
On Tuesday, I woke up from a dream which left me feeling really lonely and alienated from all of my friends. The feeling stayed with me all day, only getting worse and making me feel more down as the day went on. By 5 o'clock I had a dark grey fog filling my mind, and moving seemed to take a superhuman amount of effort. I decided that I'd just about be able to drag myself out of the house to drive to rehearsals, but only really sit and watch them instead of participating. I managed to text someone in charge to let them know that, but the fog was getting steadily darker. Something snapped and I just thought 'fuck it'. I took a load of tablets into the kitchen and swallowed them with a glass of water, and then went back to sit on the sofa. As I started getting drowsy, the healthy part of my brain seemed to come back to life a bit, so I called the ambulance and text a couple of friends to let them know.
A few hours in hospital later after having multiple tests done and being monitored to make sure nothing too serious was affecting me, I was allowed to leave. A friend of mine stayed with me that night and the next day and night as well, as the tablets had messed up my brain chemistry substantially, making it a lot harder to cope.
I've had to drop out of two operettas I was in, as I'm just unable to cope with anything substantial at the moment, and I feel absolutely terrible about letting people down. Things are still extremely difficult - I can manage about 10 minutes of 'work' (things like washing up, or putting clothes away) before feeling completely overwhelmed and wanting to cry, and I feel so pathetic for not being able to do more. Logically I realise that the feelings are all symptoms of the depression, but knowing that doesn't really help. My moods go up and down seemingly at random and without warning, which is incredibly frustrating, and the smallest thing can make me feel like breaking down in tears for no apparent reason.
I feel so alienated and disconnected from all my friends whenever I'm not with them - it's almost as if I forget what it feels like to have a connection with people when I'm not currently experiencing it. Because of that, I feel like I don't have friends, or that the people I used to think of as friends are actually not close to me at all any more. The loneliness is a feeling so strong I don't even have the words to do it justice - suffice to say, it feels like a physical ache in my body.
Making contact with people is a real struggle. I don't know whether to tell people, because I'm embarrassed about the overdose. I worry they'll find me pathetic or think I'm trying to get attention.
I'm in two minds about posting this because I really don't want people to judge me for it, but I do want my friends to know how bad things are so that they can (hopefully) help me. It's got to the point where the thoughts about self-harm and suicide aren't scary any more because they're not a surprise - they're around so often now. I just don't know what to do and I can't cope on my own any more. I need help.
