Trigger warning for suicide attempt
Recently things have been getting a little tough again, and I'm not entirely sure why. Around a week or two ago I tried to overdose on sleeping tablets. Luckily, someone else was there and took the tablets away from me before I did. For a while afterwards I wasn't exactly happy he'd done that, and had multiple moments of feeling suicidal sporadically occurring throughout the days that followed.
Those feelings seem to have gone away now, to be replaced with sporadic moments of feeling like nothing matters and I don't care about anything. I seem to have recurring thoughts of "I can't cope", "I can't do this", "I don't care about anything" and "Everything is shit". These thoughts don't seem to be related to any particular event or experience that I can put my finger on, they simply come along, make me feel terrible and then disappear again. It seems to be whenever I stop and there's nothing to occupy my mind that these thoughts come back.
I feel like I need to distract myself and keep my mind busy 100% of the time, because as soon as I stop these thoughts and feelings catch up with me and I can't cope. If I keep going all of the time though, I'll burn out and will have to stop, which results in those thoughts again, so I don't really know how to avoid this. I managed to arrange a session with my psychologist for the end of this week, so maybe that will help, but in the meantime I'm not really sure what to do. A lot of the time I have no motivation and feel pretty apathetic about doing things, which makes it a real struggle to keep my mind or body busy enough to stave off the depressive thought cycles.
