The last few days I've felt quite emotionally fragile - weepy and low, and not feeling able to cope with much. I've wanted to cry for no discernible reason, On Saturday I had to leave my course after lunch - if I'd stayed any longer I would've just broken down in tears. I knew that leaving early would mean being paired with someone different for my case study - someone I don't get on with - but I just wasn't able to continue.
I've felt a lot more apathetic and lethargic. On Friday I did the absolute minimum work for my course that I could do, and since then, despite having lots of things to do, I've just not cared enough about anything to get them done. I've ignored messages from friends for no good reason, I just have no desire to do anything.
I'm worried I'm slipping. I seem to have be climbing a gradual but steady incline for a while, and now it feels like I'm starting to slip back down the track. I'm worried that I'll gain momentum and end up hurtling right back down to the base of the slope. I'm worried I won't be able to finish my course, that this'll be another thing in a long line of tasks I haven't been able to complete. Just another thing in a long list of failures. I'm worried that I'm not really even ill anymore, that I'm just a lazy person who can't be bothered to do anything. Maybe I've become so used to not being able to do things, to feeling and acting depressed, that it's just become the way I operate. It's just become second nature and I don't even bother trying.
Monday 26 October 2015
Tuesday 6 October 2015
Dreams and Reality
Trigger warning: abuse, assault, rape
For some time now, I've been having incredibly disturbing dreams, which seem to mix together the violence and abuse I suffered at home with the rape I endured at uni. They're generally about my parents abusing and raping me. In all of them I'm trying to get out of that situation, but either not being strong enough and just being laughed at or overpowered, or being unable to because doing so would put my little sisters in harm's way. Sometimes it's trying to convince one parent about what the other is doing to me, and being dismissed and not believed, or simply ignored because they don't care. These dreams are so real and vivid that they stay with me for a long time, and the feeling stays with me at least all day, often longer. The more they happen, the more real they feel, and I wake up feeling hugely traumatised and distressed. I'm finding it very hard to put these out of my mind at the moment, which often makes me feel really overwhelmed and tearful.
I'm not entirely sure how to deal with this right now. I'll bring it up next time I have my EMDR appointment and see what my psychologist says, but until then, I guess I'll just have to live with it and try to distract myself as much as possible.
For some time now, I've been having incredibly disturbing dreams, which seem to mix together the violence and abuse I suffered at home with the rape I endured at uni. They're generally about my parents abusing and raping me. In all of them I'm trying to get out of that situation, but either not being strong enough and just being laughed at or overpowered, or being unable to because doing so would put my little sisters in harm's way. Sometimes it's trying to convince one parent about what the other is doing to me, and being dismissed and not believed, or simply ignored because they don't care. These dreams are so real and vivid that they stay with me for a long time, and the feeling stays with me at least all day, often longer. The more they happen, the more real they feel, and I wake up feeling hugely traumatised and distressed. I'm finding it very hard to put these out of my mind at the moment, which often makes me feel really overwhelmed and tearful.
I'm not entirely sure how to deal with this right now. I'll bring it up next time I have my EMDR appointment and see what my psychologist says, but until then, I guess I'll just have to live with it and try to distract myself as much as possible.
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