A couple of weeks ago, I was feeling a little low, and my brain decided that the best things to do in that state was to look through photos of Dorian, which I knew would make me sad, and to read back through messages between me and A. I'm really good at doing self-destructive things like that when feeling a bit low. I'll know that it's not a good idea, that it'll make me feel bad, and yet some part of my brain wants me to feel that. It's like I have to be feeling a certain level of bad before it's valid. Before it's official. Feeling really bad is something I'm used to, something I understand. Feeling just a little bit low is something I don't quite know how to handle. At least I know what to do when I'm in a really low place. It feels almost comforting, because it's a state I know and understand so well.
Since then, I've been dreaming about A a lot, and because I have very vivid, emotional dreams, the mood from them tends to stay with me all day. I'm trying to piece together why I still have such strong thoughts and feelings about him in my dreams, and I think the main reason is how things were left. Firstly, we'd agreed to try to stay in contact and remain in each others' lives, and yet it was always left to me to make any sort of move to try to arrange things, which made me feel less important to him than he was to me. Then there was the very sporadic replies to messages - after cancelling a meet up we'd arranged and agreeing to arrange an alternate date, I didn't hear anything for months, and when I asked if things were ok, I was still ignored. Then there were times when I didn't feel able to see him at social gatherings, so I only went when he wasn't going to be there. He occasionally said he was going to something, and then didn't go, without telling me, so I felt I'd missed out on seeing my friends for nothing. He became suddenly distant and uncommunicative, and a little uncaring, which was very hard to accept. The last time we communicated, he asked me how things were going. I told him, went in to detail about how things were in my life, and asked him how things were with his. That was over a year ago, and he's never responded. I just feel like it's all been left hanging, and I haven't had any closure. I assume at this point that I'm not going to get any, but it's still hard.
Then there's the fact that he got together with B - his partner before me - after we broke up. When A and I started seeing each other, B was very jealous and upset, and acted like I was taking him away from her. She seemed to act like she had ownership over him, like she had a claim and I was trying to split them up, despite the fact that their relationship had been over for a while. I often felt like she resented the fact that we were together, and I didn't feel comfortable in her presence. I don't mind the fact that he's seeing someone else (I am, so it'd be a bit hypocritical if I did), but when we were together he told me so often about the damage that B had done to him, about how she'd been the cause of his depression, and how he could never be in a relationship with her again. Even his mother was worried at the prospect of them living together at one point, because she said that B wasn't good for A. Despite that, he often spoke fondly of her, and I occasionally felt that I didn't measure up to her. The fact that he did get back together with her has just added to the feeling that I was never 'good enough', and I still want to prove to him that I can be. I hate that I still care. I hate the fact that he obviously wants nothing more to do with me and is probably much happier with B than he was with me.
I think the last thing is his family. With A, I felt like I finally had a family who loved and accepted me for who I was. I didn't have to pretend. His mother would talk with me like an adult, and listened to and respected my thoughts and opinions on things. She looked after me as she would her own child, and made me feel one of the family so completely. I spent a lot of time at their family home, and truly felt I had somewhere I belonged. Of course I have wonderful friends and partners now, but I feel like as well as my relationship with A, I lost a family, and a sense of togetherness and belonging that made me feel happy, secure, and like I had a home. I miss that.
Also, a lot of the times I spent with A were amongst the happiest I'd had in years - he supported with me through my depression, which seemed to be getting better while I was with him, and I was able to have fun, and feel fulfilled and loved while I was with him. As soon as he ended things, my mental health took a very severe dip, and I did blame him for a while for that. I still am not sure if I'm back to where I was before we broke up in terms of mental health, but I know I am getting better, and I've finally had a diagnosis that makes sense to me, and found a mental health professional who seems to understand.
I know this post has been a bit of a downer and mulling over the past, but I feel like I needed to write it all down to get my thoughts straight on why this is still affecting me, and hopefully this may help to get some of these feelings out of my system. Despite all of the negatives here, I am doing a lot better than I have been, and I have wonderful friends and partners who make my life better just by being in it.
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