I'm feeling trapped. I have so many things I want to write down here but don't feel like I'm able to because I want to write about difficulties I've been having with a person who read, and might still read, this blog. I don't want to have to create a new blog again just because of this.
I've got so much weighing on me and no way to get it out at the moment, and it feels like there's a huge knot in my chest because of this situation. I just want to get it out of my head and write it down here in order to process it properly.
So I haven't written here in a long time for fear that the person I've been having problems with will read it, and either bad-mouth me to friends for writing about them online, or send me passive-aggressive messages filled with conflict and guilt-tripping. I just can't win.
I don't want to tell this to people face to face because I don't like spreading gossip, and I probably wouldn't be very good about keeping the person's identity private during a conversation. I know that the person in question has shown people all of our correspondence and has talked about me, but I don't want to be the sort of person who does that. I want people to be able to trust me with things.
God I hate drama.
Sunday, 2 March 2014
Sunday, 2 February 2014
Oh depression, it's you again!
Oh hello there, depression. Nice of you to stop by again, just in case I thought I wouldn't see you again.
Things were going so well these past few weeks. Everything was gradually improving, and while things weren't magically wonderful, I was certainly getting a lot better pretty steadily.
This week I've been performing in a show, which has meant 5 hour long rehearsals, late nights, and then 3 performances. It was pretty draining to say the least, but I was just about coping. Ok, so every time I was on my own I wanted to break down and cry from exhaustion, but I knew that after the last performance this evening things would get back to a more manageable level.
After the final performance, I was feeling pretty drained to say the least. I saw my ex-partner, who said it was nice to see me, and after helping to clear up from the show, I headed over to the after-party, with the intention of probably only staying for a few hours. I chatted a bit, sang some songs, ate cake, and calmed down a fair amount.
When my ex arrived, we chatted a little, and it was all going well until he started telling me about his sex life. It just hit me unexpectedly, and he realised as soon as he'd said it, and apologised, but the damage was done. I excused myself and went and cried in the bathroom, and then spent a while in a bedroom with friends trying to cheer me up, but the truth is, I'm only mad at myself. I'm pissed off at myself for still feeling like this, and for showing it in front of him. I feel like every time he sees me like this he must think less and less of me, and I don't want that to happen.
Anyway it was a house party, with only really one room, so there was nowhere I could be where I couldn't see or hear him, so I had to escape.
Trigger warning: self-harm
I got my stuff together and drove home, mentally beating myself up for being such a pathetic worthless creature and looking forward to being able to slice myself open to teach myself a lesson. To serve me right for still feeling like this. I thought about just crashing my car in the hopes of killing myself, but the usual fears stopped me - mainly, that I might survive and then have to deal with all the insurance crap. I considered driving to hospital rather than hurting myself, but then remembered that you have to pay to park there, and it's bloody expensive, so I just came home.
I didn't cut deep, just enough to break the skin so I could watch the blood flow, but I still really want to hurt myself. To punish myself for feeling this way. God I'm so stupid and worthless and a waste of a human being.
Things were going so well these past few weeks. Everything was gradually improving, and while things weren't magically wonderful, I was certainly getting a lot better pretty steadily.
This week I've been performing in a show, which has meant 5 hour long rehearsals, late nights, and then 3 performances. It was pretty draining to say the least, but I was just about coping. Ok, so every time I was on my own I wanted to break down and cry from exhaustion, but I knew that after the last performance this evening things would get back to a more manageable level.
After the final performance, I was feeling pretty drained to say the least. I saw my ex-partner, who said it was nice to see me, and after helping to clear up from the show, I headed over to the after-party, with the intention of probably only staying for a few hours. I chatted a bit, sang some songs, ate cake, and calmed down a fair amount.
When my ex arrived, we chatted a little, and it was all going well until he started telling me about his sex life. It just hit me unexpectedly, and he realised as soon as he'd said it, and apologised, but the damage was done. I excused myself and went and cried in the bathroom, and then spent a while in a bedroom with friends trying to cheer me up, but the truth is, I'm only mad at myself. I'm pissed off at myself for still feeling like this, and for showing it in front of him. I feel like every time he sees me like this he must think less and less of me, and I don't want that to happen.
Anyway it was a house party, with only really one room, so there was nowhere I could be where I couldn't see or hear him, so I had to escape.
Trigger warning: self-harm
I got my stuff together and drove home, mentally beating myself up for being such a pathetic worthless creature and looking forward to being able to slice myself open to teach myself a lesson. To serve me right for still feeling like this. I thought about just crashing my car in the hopes of killing myself, but the usual fears stopped me - mainly, that I might survive and then have to deal with all the insurance crap. I considered driving to hospital rather than hurting myself, but then remembered that you have to pay to park there, and it's bloody expensive, so I just came home.
I didn't cut deep, just enough to break the skin so I could watch the blood flow, but I still really want to hurt myself. To punish myself for feeling this way. God I'm so stupid and worthless and a waste of a human being.
Wednesday, 22 January 2014
On speaking one's mind
I was in a group counselling session for depression yesterday. One of the men there was saying that he just needed to 'man up' about all this, in order to get stuff done.
Now as some of you may know, I have big problems with the phrase 'man up', but this was a counselling session to help each other, and I didn't think was the time or place to be bringing up issues of patriarchal gender roles, so I was just sitting quietly, wishing he'd stop using that phrase.
The therapist leading the session then looked over to me and asked what I thought. I debated whether to speak up about the phrase, and as I couldn't think of anything to say about the original question the man had been answering, I decided to say how I was feeling. I said that I had big problems with the phrase 'man up', because of the patriarchal gender roles it imposed, and how it implied that being a man was better than being a woman, etc etc. I then had to take myself out of the room for a minute or two because talking about that wasn't something I could handle at the time.
When I came back in, the man in question was still saying the same things, but he started using the phrase 'being pro-active' instead. I hadn't imagined that he would change his speech because of something I said, and was quite touched by that.
The following day at lunch, he told me that he liked that I'd said that, and he saw what I meant. He also said that the phrase 'man up' was more aggressive and put a lot more pressure on himself, which 'being proactive' didn't. He's continued using 'being proactive' ever since.
I was surprised that he hadn't just changed the things he was saying because I'd said I didn't like it - it actually got through to him and changed the way he looked at things!
I think I might have to start speaking up more often!
Now as some of you may know, I have big problems with the phrase 'man up', but this was a counselling session to help each other, and I didn't think was the time or place to be bringing up issues of patriarchal gender roles, so I was just sitting quietly, wishing he'd stop using that phrase.
The therapist leading the session then looked over to me and asked what I thought. I debated whether to speak up about the phrase, and as I couldn't think of anything to say about the original question the man had been answering, I decided to say how I was feeling. I said that I had big problems with the phrase 'man up', because of the patriarchal gender roles it imposed, and how it implied that being a man was better than being a woman, etc etc. I then had to take myself out of the room for a minute or two because talking about that wasn't something I could handle at the time.
When I came back in, the man in question was still saying the same things, but he started using the phrase 'being pro-active' instead. I hadn't imagined that he would change his speech because of something I said, and was quite touched by that.
The following day at lunch, he told me that he liked that I'd said that, and he saw what I meant. He also said that the phrase 'man up' was more aggressive and put a lot more pressure on himself, which 'being proactive' didn't. He's continued using 'being proactive' ever since.
I was surprised that he hadn't just changed the things he was saying because I'd said I didn't like it - it actually got through to him and changed the way he looked at things!
I think I might have to start speaking up more often!
Tuesday, 14 January 2014
I'm a real boy!
I'm feeling optimistic. I am steadily starting to get my life back on the rails. I rearranged my lounge this week, tidied my bedroom, and even have a working boiler which gives me hot water and heating when I ask for it! I've also been attending job interviews for jobs I actually want to get, and this time round, instead of hoping I don't get any because I don't feel I can cope with one, I actually really want to be successful with these!
I've also gone back to attending therapy at the Priory, and this time round, it's really helping! I think I'm finally in a good enough place to be able to put all of the things into action. I'm using all the skills and techniques I'm being taught, and they're actually working! I've had thoughts which previously would have given me the desire to self-harm, and even suicidal ideation, and using the coping strategies I've been given, I've been able to stop the thoughts in their tracks, and think about something else!
I'm also starting to see friends more, and get a bit of a social life back.
Long story short, I feel like I'm actually starting to become me again. It's been a very long process - around two years or so - but I'm finally starting to feel like a real person again, and I can't tell you how happy that makes me.
Of course there are still going to be bad moments - leaves on the line, to carry on the metaphor - but I'm now confident that I'll be able to deal with them and carry on. I'll still need my support network from time to time, but I hope that those times will become less and less frequent as I become more adept at using the skills I'm learning.
I've also gone back to attending therapy at the Priory, and this time round, it's really helping! I think I'm finally in a good enough place to be able to put all of the things into action. I'm using all the skills and techniques I'm being taught, and they're actually working! I've had thoughts which previously would have given me the desire to self-harm, and even suicidal ideation, and using the coping strategies I've been given, I've been able to stop the thoughts in their tracks, and think about something else!
I'm also starting to see friends more, and get a bit of a social life back.
Long story short, I feel like I'm actually starting to become me again. It's been a very long process - around two years or so - but I'm finally starting to feel like a real person again, and I can't tell you how happy that makes me.
Of course there are still going to be bad moments - leaves on the line, to carry on the metaphor - but I'm now confident that I'll be able to deal with them and carry on. I'll still need my support network from time to time, but I hope that those times will become less and less frequent as I become more adept at using the skills I'm learning.
Friday, 3 January 2014
New Year's Eve Rollercoaster
Trigger warnings - self-harm, suicide attempts
So, New Year's Eve. I think I managed fairly well, considering. It was a very up-and-down evening for emotions.
I went to a party at a friend's house. It started out fairly well: friends, drinks, laughter, chatting, etc. Lately however, alcohol and I haven't been the best of friends - it's often contributed to making me feel depressed. All was going well (even very well) until a little later.
First off, a friend made a joke about suicide. He looked over and apologised, and I smiled. I thought I was fine. Yeah...
A few moments later another friend noticed me being 'fine' and took me into the other room, where I had a bit or a cry. Ok, a lot of a cry. He was understanding and supportive and generally lovely, and made me feel good again. There may then have been some kissing =P
I went back into the room again, and everything was ok again for a while. I got rather sleepy for a bit, but perked up again with some more sugary drinks and chatting. When it came to midnight, people did the countdown thing, and went outside to watch the fireworks. As I stood there, I remembered my last new year, when I'd been with my ex, drinking champagne, kissing and cuddling, setting off fireworks, laughing and joking and generally being happy.
I tried to stay outside with everyone else but the thoughts just got louder until I was standing there with tears silently streaming down my face.
Again, a friend came and took my inside, and let me cry on him. I asked to be left alone, and for a while he stayed with me because he could see that I probably shouldn't be alone. Once I was alone in the kitchen, I looked through the knife drawer. I took out the largest knife and dragged it across my arm. For once, this wasn't intended as self-harm to try to prevent suicide. It was to cut as deep as possible in order to cut my veins open and bleed out. Well luckily the friend whose house I was at had really shit knives. It barely even cut through my skin! I tried another 4 knives, and the same thing happened. Seriously. I was pressing really hard! I finally decided it obviously wasn't meant to be, and I tried to carry on socialising.
I cried on a few other people, and eventually started to feel a bit better, and ended up staying up 'til 4:30 just chatting and playing with friends, and actually really enjoyed the rest of the evening!
So, New Year's Eve. I think I managed fairly well, considering. It was a very up-and-down evening for emotions.
I went to a party at a friend's house. It started out fairly well: friends, drinks, laughter, chatting, etc. Lately however, alcohol and I haven't been the best of friends - it's often contributed to making me feel depressed. All was going well (even very well) until a little later.
First off, a friend made a joke about suicide. He looked over and apologised, and I smiled. I thought I was fine. Yeah...
A few moments later another friend noticed me being 'fine' and took me into the other room, where I had a bit or a cry. Ok, a lot of a cry. He was understanding and supportive and generally lovely, and made me feel good again. There may then have been some kissing =P
I went back into the room again, and everything was ok again for a while. I got rather sleepy for a bit, but perked up again with some more sugary drinks and chatting. When it came to midnight, people did the countdown thing, and went outside to watch the fireworks. As I stood there, I remembered my last new year, when I'd been with my ex, drinking champagne, kissing and cuddling, setting off fireworks, laughing and joking and generally being happy.
I tried to stay outside with everyone else but the thoughts just got louder until I was standing there with tears silently streaming down my face.
Again, a friend came and took my inside, and let me cry on him. I asked to be left alone, and for a while he stayed with me because he could see that I probably shouldn't be alone. Once I was alone in the kitchen, I looked through the knife drawer. I took out the largest knife and dragged it across my arm. For once, this wasn't intended as self-harm to try to prevent suicide. It was to cut as deep as possible in order to cut my veins open and bleed out. Well luckily the friend whose house I was at had really shit knives. It barely even cut through my skin! I tried another 4 knives, and the same thing happened. Seriously. I was pressing really hard! I finally decided it obviously wasn't meant to be, and I tried to carry on socialising.
I cried on a few other people, and eventually started to feel a bit better, and ended up staying up 'til 4:30 just chatting and playing with friends, and actually really enjoyed the rest of the evening!
Saturday, 28 December 2013
Champagne + depression....
Trigger warning: self-harming thoughts, suicidal ideation.
So I'm a bit drunk. It's my little sister's 18th birthday, and I've been plied with champagne for around 4 hours straight. Alcohol and depression are not a good mix.
I miss my ex-partner so much. I just want to curl up and cry. I don't want to feel like this any more. I don't really want to be here any more.
I can talk to anyone about this at the moment because I don't want to ruin my sister's party, but right now I just want to self harm - maybe even kill myself. If I could just stop existing right now so I don't have to feel anything that would be great. Again, the thing keeping me from that is not wanting anyone in the family to find out that I get this bad, or take attention away from my little sister. I just can't cope any more. Fuck this life.
So I'm a bit drunk. It's my little sister's 18th birthday, and I've been plied with champagne for around 4 hours straight. Alcohol and depression are not a good mix.
I miss my ex-partner so much. I just want to curl up and cry. I don't want to feel like this any more. I don't really want to be here any more.
I can talk to anyone about this at the moment because I don't want to ruin my sister's party, but right now I just want to self harm - maybe even kill myself. If I could just stop existing right now so I don't have to feel anything that would be great. Again, the thing keeping me from that is not wanting anyone in the family to find out that I get this bad, or take attention away from my little sister. I just can't cope any more. Fuck this life.
Sunday, 22 December 2013
ALL the emotions!
Recently I've been really struggling to wake up. Every time my alarm goes off, I can feel sleep trying to drag me back into its comforting clutches. I snooze my alarm a few times, maybe reset it for half-an-hour later, thinking that after a little more sleep I'll feel awake enough to get up, but this never happens. The only thing that'll make me get out of bed is having a pre-arranged appointment of activity booked, and even then I'll leave it 'til the last possible minute to get out of bed.
This happened again this morning, with the added lovely gift of my brain reminding me of my dreams, which were rather upsetting.
I finally managed to claw my way into consciousness and get out of the door to go to my yoga class. For the first half of the class, I was able to stay focussed and distracted by what I was doing, but part-way through, I was hit with the force of all the emotions at once. I managed to force myself to keep going, while silently shaking and crying for no apparent reason. It turns out it's very hard to perform yoga whilst crying!
It took all my effort to make myself get showered and dressed after the session, rather than just curling up and crying in the changing room. I got myself home and collapsed onto the sofa with a hot drink and TV episode for distraction. Now that's finished, the emotions are making themselves felt again with gusto. I have no idea why I'm feeling this way today, but I can't stop crying. Everything just seems overwhelming and too much, and all I want is to go back to bed and slip back into sleep, where I don't have to be conscious or feel anything.
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