Loss

Blogs have been the only place I've been able to be fully truthful about what's happened in my life, but apparently some people in my family who don't believe what's happened have think I'm delirious and a lier. I've lost one of only two people who I thought actually understood what I'd gone through and it turns out the whole time they think I've been making things up. So I guess now I don't have anywhere at all to talk about my problems. Back to bottling everything up and my mental health getting worse I guess.

Vanity

Trigger warning: self-harm mention

Sat in a really long six hour rehearsal for an upcoming performance, and we just had our photos taken for the programme. The photos of me on the camera were so unbelievably unattractive that I just burst out crying. I've been relatively comfortable with my body and looks for a while, and today has just brought all of that crashing down. It's made me really want to self-harm again to punish myself for being so utterly hideous. I want to slash and physically cut parts of my body off. What the actual fuck is wrong with me? This is not a normal reaction, especially when I've felt so fine about my body for so long. I can't believe that something so small can give me such an intense reaction. I'm meant to be all body-positive and stuff, but when it's me that can all go out of the window in a matter of seconds. I feel like such a fraud.

Coming Out. And Out. And Out.

Constantly coming out is hard. At least 2 years (possibly 3) since I was forced to come out as bi and poly to parents, they still refuse to acknowledge (let alone accept) my relationships. They still pointedly refer to partners as 'your FRIEND'. Every time they purposefully do this, I have to firmly "remind" them that we're partners. They never ask after them. When meeting them they barely even acknowledge them, which really hurts me, and doesn't exactly make partners feel great either.

If someone you love is queer or poly, it's not your place to agree or disagree with their relationship. They're an adult and have a right to love whoever they want. You either accept them with all your heart, or you don't. If you don't, you're choosing to close your heart to the joy their partner(s) brings to their life because they offend your sensibilities or make you uncomfortable. You're telling them that your comfort is more important than their happiness.

As long as you think the problem is with their orientation/relationship and they think the problem is you not accepting them, you'll be driving a wedge between you. You're making your love conditional on them being a different person. Whether or not their relationship/orientation is fixed forever or changes, the horrible feeling that your love is conditional could outlive all of it.

My partners' commitment to me is not contingent on my loving others less than them. It's a level of love and commitment I could never get in a monogamous relationship. This is fundamental, and makes me feel safe, secure, loved, and cherished.

Slipping

The last few days I've felt quite emotionally fragile - weepy and low, and not feeling able to cope with much. I've wanted to cry for no discernible reason, On Saturday I had to leave my course after lunch - if I'd stayed any longer I would've just broken down in tears. I knew that leaving early would mean being paired with someone different for my case study - someone I don't get on with - but I just wasn't able to continue.

I've felt a lot more apathetic and lethargic. On Friday I did the absolute minimum work for my course that I could do, and since then, despite having lots of things to do, I've just not cared enough about anything to get them done. I've ignored messages from friends for no good reason, I just have no desire to do anything.

I'm worried I'm slipping. I seem to have be climbing a gradual but steady incline for a while, and now it feels like I'm starting to slip back down the track. I'm worried that I'll gain momentum and end up hurtling right back down to the base of the slope. I'm worried I won't be able to finish my course, that this'll be another thing in a long line of tasks I haven't been able to complete. Just another thing in a long list of failures. I'm worried that I'm not really even ill anymore, that I'm just a lazy person who can't be bothered to do anything. Maybe I've become so used to not being able to do things, to feeling and acting depressed, that it's just become the way I operate. It's just become second nature and I don't even bother trying.

Dreams and Reality

Trigger warning: abuse, assault, rape


For some time now, I've been having incredibly disturbing dreams, which seem to mix together the violence and abuse I suffered at home with the rape I endured at uni. They're generally about my parents abusing and raping me. In all of them I'm trying to get out of that situation, but either not being strong enough and just being laughed at or overpowered, or being unable to because doing so would put my little sisters in harm's way. Sometimes it's trying to convince one parent about what the other is doing to me, and being dismissed and not believed, or simply ignored because they don't care. These dreams are so real and vivid that they stay with me for a long time, and the feeling stays with me at least all day, often longer. The more they happen, the more real they feel, and I wake up feeling hugely traumatised and distressed. I'm finding it very hard to put these out of my mind at the moment, which often makes me feel really overwhelmed and tearful.

I'm not entirely sure how to deal with this right now. I'll bring it up next time I have my EMDR appointment and see what my psychologist says, but until then, I guess I'll just have to live with it and try to distract myself as much as possible.

Musings on the past

A couple of weeks ago, I was feeling a little low, and my brain decided that the best things to do in that state was to look through photos of Dorian, which I knew would make me sad, and to read back through messages between me and A. I'm really good at doing self-destructive things like that when feeling a bit low. I'll know that it's not a good idea, that it'll make me feel bad, and yet some part of my brain wants me to feel that. It's like I have to be feeling a certain level of bad before it's valid. Before it's official. Feeling really bad is something I'm used to, something I understand. Feeling just a little bit low is something I don't quite know how to handle. At least I know what to do when I'm in a really low place. It feels almost comforting, because it's a state I know and understand so well.

Since then, I've been dreaming about A a lot, and because I have very vivid, emotional dreams, the mood from them tends to stay with me all day. I'm trying to piece together why I still have such strong thoughts and feelings about him in my dreams, and I think the main reason is how things were left. Firstly, we'd agreed to try to stay in contact and remain in each others' lives, and yet it was always left to me to make any sort of move to try to arrange things, which made me feel less important to him than he was to me. Then there was the very sporadic replies to messages - after cancelling a meet up we'd arranged and agreeing to arrange an alternate date, I didn't hear anything for months, and when I asked if things were ok, I was still ignored. Then there were times when I didn't feel able to see him at social gatherings, so I only went when he wasn't going to be there. He occasionally said he was going to something, and then didn't go, without telling me, so I felt I'd missed out on seeing my friends for nothing. He became suddenly distant and uncommunicative, and a little uncaring, which was very hard to accept. The last time we communicated, he asked me how things were going. I told him, went in to detail about how things were in my life, and asked him how things were with his. That was over a year ago, and he's never responded. I just feel like it's all been left hanging, and I haven't had any closure. I assume at this point that I'm not going to get any, but it's still hard.

Then there's the fact that he got together with B - his partner before me - after we broke up. When A and I started seeing each other, B was very jealous and upset, and acted like I was taking him away from her. She seemed to act like she had ownership over him, like she had a claim and I was trying to split them up, despite the fact that their relationship had been over for a while. I often felt like she resented the fact that we were together, and I didn't feel comfortable in her presence. I don't mind the fact that he's seeing someone else (I am, so it'd be a bit hypocritical if I did), but when we were together he told me so often about the damage that B had done to him, about how she'd been the cause of his depression, and how he could never be in a relationship with her again. Even his mother was worried at the prospect of them living together at one point, because she said that B wasn't good for A. Despite that, he often spoke fondly of her, and I occasionally felt that I didn't measure up to her. The fact that he did get back together with her has just added to the feeling that I was never 'good enough', and I still want to prove to him that I can be. I hate that I still care. I hate the fact that he obviously wants nothing more to do with me and is probably much happier with B than he was with me.

I think the last thing is his family. With A, I felt like I finally had a family who loved and accepted me for who I was. I didn't have to pretend. His mother would talk with me like an adult, and listened to and respected my thoughts and opinions on things. She looked after me as she would her own child, and made me feel one of the family so completely. I spent a lot of time at their family home, and truly felt I had somewhere I belonged. Of course I have wonderful friends and partners now, but I feel like as well as my relationship with A, I lost a family, and a sense of togetherness and belonging that made me feel happy, secure, and like I had a home. I miss that.

Also, a lot of the times I spent with A were amongst the happiest I'd had in years - he supported with me through my depression, which seemed to be getting better while I was with him, and I was able to have fun, and feel fulfilled and loved while I was with him. As soon as he ended things, my mental health took a very severe dip, and I did blame him for a while for that. I still am not sure if I'm back to where I was before we broke up in terms of mental health, but I know I am getting better, and I've finally had a diagnosis that makes sense to me, and found a mental health professional who seems to understand.

I know this post has been a bit of a downer and mulling over the past, but I feel like I needed to write it all down to get my thoughts straight on why this is still affecting me, and hopefully this may help to get some of these feelings out of my system. Despite all of the negatives here, I am doing a lot better than I have been, and I have wonderful friends and partners who make my life better just by being in it.

Antidepressant 'poop-out'

Over the last week or two, I started getting occasional withdrawal symptoms. I haven't stopped taking my antidepressants, but I thought maybe I'd accidentally missed a dose. To make sure I hadn't, I religiously noted down every day when I took my dose, and I definitely haven't missed any. The symptoms only lasted a couple of days, but then the effects of the antidepressants themselves started to wear off.

I've been gradually getting less motivated, barely moving from the sofa during the daytimes. I've also been exhausted most of the time - the smallest thing fatigues me, and I can't face doing things. If it weren't for the fact that it's production week for the show I'm in, I'd definitely have called in sick to rehearsals and stayed on the sofa doing nothing but watching TV. I've been getting more tearful, and feeling constantly like things are too much for me and like I can't cope.

At first I put all of these symptoms down to having had tonsillitis and being on antibiotics possibly interfering with the sertraline, until I realised that the withdrawal symptoms (brain shivers/zaps, worsening depression, etc) started before I went on the antibiotics.

I started googling, and discovered that this is a pretty common occurrence once someone's been on an antidepressant for a while - it just stops working. It's called antidepressant poop-out, or, less amusingly, antidepressant tachyphylaxis. I've made an appointment with my GP for tomorrow morning, and really hope they're able to change me to a new drug, because currently I've got lots of stuff to do, and I just don't care about getting any of it done. I know that they need doing and that I'll be more stressed if I don't do them, but I have absolutely no sense of urgency, or of them being important, and basically just don't care. 

Biiig dip

Trigger warning for suicide attempt

Recently things have been getting a little tough again, and I'm not entirely sure why. Around a week or two ago I tried to overdose on sleeping tablets. Luckily, someone else was there and took the tablets away from me before I did. For a while afterwards I wasn't exactly happy he'd done that, and had multiple moments of feeling suicidal sporadically occurring throughout the days that followed.

Those feelings seem to have gone away now, to be replaced with sporadic moments of feeling like nothing matters and I don't care about anything. I seem to have recurring thoughts of "I can't cope", "I can't do this", "I don't care about anything" and "Everything is shit". These thoughts don't seem to be related to any particular event or experience that I can put my finger on, they simply come along, make me feel terrible and then disappear again. It seems to be whenever I stop and there's nothing to occupy my mind that these thoughts come back.

I feel like I need to distract myself and keep my mind busy 100% of the time, because as soon as I stop these thoughts and feelings catch up with me and I can't cope. If I keep going all of the time though, I'll burn out and will have to stop, which results in those thoughts again, so I don't really know how to avoid this. I managed to arrange a session with my psychologist for the end of this week, so maybe that will help, but in the meantime I'm not really sure what to do. A lot of the time I have no motivation and feel pretty apathetic about doing things, which makes it a real struggle to keep my mind or body busy enough to stave off the depressive thought cycles.

Understanding & supporting someone with depression

It can take a LOT of courage for someone to confide in someone about a mental health problem. The problem with mental health problems as opposed to physical ones, is that it will make you feel guilty for asking for help. It will make you feel like you're not worth help, like none of these problems are real and that you're making them up, or being pathetic for not being able to cope. You really believe that this is not an illness in your brain, but that you are just being worthless/lazy/pathetic. The reality is that it is as much a physical illness as a mental one. Scans of people's brains with and without various mental illnesses show a marked difference in the make-up of the brain and the chemicals within it. It affects the way you think and process information, and skews everything about yourself into a negative. You get trapped in negative cycles of thinking, and no matter what other people say, your brain creates and maintains new pathways of these negative thoughts and ideas, allowing them to grow and become stronger over time.

It can make everyday tasks feel completely overwhelming, so you leave them, and it then makes you feel like a failure for leaving them and not being able to do them, which creates a vicious cycle which is extremely difficult to break. Personally, when things are bad it can actually be very useful for people to treat me as if there's nothing wrong, as the more I focus on the bad things, the more credence I give to those thoughts and it increases the spiral of negativity. Distraction, and becoming involved in everyday things can really help sometimes.

There are other aspects, such as becoming very drained from social situations, sometimes just from being around one or two people. It can be very hard to say that you need to leave a situation, especially if it's just people being lovely to you, because your brain makes you feel guilty for not wanting to be with them. People making it clear that there's no pressure to be there *can* help, but depressed brains often don't believe things that other people say. Being offered the option now and then to be on my own without having to bring it up myself can be really useful, not necessarily as a direct 'do you want to be on your own?' question, because again my brain would tell me that saying yes would be interpreted as selfish and uncaring, but being around other people who occasionally say things like 'I might go and read in my room for a bit', etc makes it feel like a more normal thing to do.

Also, it can be hard, but keep in mind that this is an illness. It can feel frustrating that your best efforts aren't making someone feel better, but depression is not sadness. It is a chemical imbalance in the brain, which cannot be fixed simply by hugs. Treatment of some kind is the key. Medical care is needed - they cannot 'sleep it off', 'snap out of it', or 'decide to get better' any more than someone with a broken arm can make it get better any faster. Try not to feel bad that your support can not solve their problem.

Depression can make you lose interest in things you once cared about, believe that you have no friends and that no one cares about or wants to be around you. I find that when I'm feeling low, I believe that no one would want to be around me when I'm like that, because I'd bring everyone down and ruin their time, and that they must be frustrated with me for not doing things, seeing them often enough, or for not 'trying hard enough' to get better. Making sure you keep in contact - inviting them to things, just checking up on them or calling for a chat - is so important. Even if they don't come to things, it's really helpful to know that people still care and are thinking about you. Keep inviting them to things, even if they hardly ever accept. Offers of help with practical things like tidying or washing up are always helpful, but a lot of people won't take people up on non-specific offers like 'call me anytime' or 'I'm happy to help with things if you need'. Specific plans like 'I'll come round at 10 on Saturday and help with the washing up, and then we can have a cup of tea and chat' will be much more likely to be accepted, although will still be difficult.

The main thing is not to give up. It's extremely hard to accept help, or to believe that people really do want to help, and that's not because they don't think you're a nice person. Their brain changes the way things are processed, and it can be very hard to recognise a healthy thought to one that comes from the brain changes that depression causes.

Things I've found helpful in the past are group classes of things like CBT, and mindfulness. Group classes are especially helpful because they allow you to see that you're not alone, that this is a real illness that other people suffer, and is not just you being useless/lazy/pathetic.

Oh, also - praise small goals. Sometimes getting out of bed can feel like an insurmountable challenges. Sometimes just making sure you eat is tough. Depression can make the smallest tasks seem enormous. On days like this, reminding them that they are ill, and that little things like this are accomplishments in themselves and not to beat themselves up for not being able to do much is really helpful.

It can be hard to understand how difficult depression makes things, especially as it's not something you can see. Please do not doubt what your friend tells you about how hard things are, or not being able to do things. This will only add to their negative thoughts about being worthless or pathetic. Yes, it can feel hurtful when someone consistently cancels plans, or doesn't do simple things, but it's simply the way their brain is working at that time. Letting them know that there's no pressure to do anything they don't feel up to is enormously helpful.

Let them know that they are not alone in this, that they are important to you and that you care. Reassure them that they are not going crazy, they are simply ill. It can feel like you can't trust your own brain, or you believe empirically all the harmful thoughts it creates. Tell them that you're not going to leave or abandon them because of this, and that once they're recovered both of you will still be here.

If they ever talk about suicide or self-harm, stay calm. Firstly, self-harm is generally a way to prevent suicide. Its purpose is not to kill, but to save. Personally, it can feel like cutting and letting some blood out can release the huge build-up of feelings I'm not able to deal with, so I feel calmer and more grounded and stable afterwards. It can be different for everyone of course, but for most people I know, death is not the intention. Make sure they are doing things safely, and encourage them to see a doctor to get help. Self-harm can quickly become an addiction, where it is the only way you can cope with overwhelming feelings.

We have a very strong self-preservation instinct. Even in our most suicidal moments, where everything feels hopeless and nothing seems worth living for, there is a human element that still tries to keep us alive. In general, we will try to get help to preserve this part of us. If someone tells you they are feeling suicidal, it is because this part of them is trying to help. They want to find a reason - any reason - not to go through with things. First off, don't panic. Don't make them feel guilty for feeling like this, or tell them how selfish it is. Their brain is ill and they need help. Ask if they have a plan, and if they have the means to carry it out. Most of the time, this won't be the case.

If they have a plan, ask what it is, and if they are alone. See if there is anyone they could ask to come over and be with them. They don't need to tell them they are feeling suicidal if they don't want to - it can feel very embarrassing to admit for some reason, like you're letting people down. Most of the time, simply having someone around until the feeling subsides is enough. Often, just the act of talking to them will help the feelings to subside. Keep them on the phone (or talking, if you're with them) about anything they want to talk about. Ask them questions, keep them talking. The few times I've called samaritans with these feelings, 5 or 10 minutes later I've felt ok again, and safe enough to be on my own again, or calm enough to call a friend to get someone to come round.

If talking doesn't help, you can tell them you're phoning an ambulance. Keep them on the line and keep them talking and calm while you call the ambulance on another line. If you can't do this, tell them you'll phone them back in X minutes, and ask them to keep the phone by them so they can answer.

Most of all, be understanding. They're suffering from a horrible illness where their brain has stopped them from being able to experience any pleasure at all, only suffering. This is their desperate attempt to stop the mental pain they've been going through, and not an attempt to get attention, or a selfish act. The brain stops you from being able to feel anything sometimes, even love for those you normally care about.

Latest update

Since the drama with my parents' company I've been seriously low. Every moment I'm on my own I immediately stay crying, and being alone especially at night feels very scary. My dreams have become more and more painful and upsetting, and I'm scared to go to sleep. I feel like I'll never get over this, and have completely lost the ability to function properly. I either keep myself busy the whole time and pretend nothing's wrong but break down every second I'm alone or not distracted, or I'm completely overwhelmed by the depression and anxiety. Every time I look at my phone in terrified it'll be my parents telling me again what a let down I am, or that they're firing me or disowning me, which leads onto all the worries about sorting out benefits etc and all the stress related to that and job hunting etc when I really feel like I just can't do any of that at the moment. I can't do anything, everything is just too much to cope with. I feel like I'm losing control, like I'm on the verge of some sort of breakdown.

Stuff and things and shit.

Trigger warning: suicidal ideation, self-harming thoughts

So, for the past few days I've been feeling rather low, and unable to do anything. I was asked to do some work for my parents' company and agreed to it, thinking I'd be feeling better. Last night, when I realised that things were in fact getting worse, I let them know that I didn't think I'd be able to manage it, having not been able to leave the house, and seeing as just eating had been a real struggle. I was told that I couldn't let them down because this was important to the company. I told them I knew that, but I really wasn't feeling up to it. I told them that driving when I feel low tends to make me feel suicidal and I feel unsafe when on the motorways. I was told that I should just find someone else to drive me, and to make sure I got the work done. I was told I was being selfish and inconsiderate to let them down again and that if they lost the business and had to sell the house and animals it'd be my fault. It's not like I felt guilty already. They kept saying everything possible to make me feel guilty, and my dad said it was implausible that I'd been able to go to London last weekend, and was seeing a partner tomorrow, but couldn't do the work for them. I tried explaining about my mental health being ups and downs and coming in cycles, and my dad basically told me that he didn't care, that I needed to do this, and that was that.

So today I've been ridiculously low. I woke up to 6 messages about how selfish and inconsiderate I was, how I needed to call them because it was VERY important, and a number of missed calls. They've been trying to call me all day and I really can't face any more of hearing what a let down and disappointment I am to them. I agonised for ages about telling them I couldn't do the work for fear that they'd react badly because they seriously don't understand mental health, and it seems I shouldn't tell them when I'm ill in the future. Just feeling sick with worry and self-hated and anxiety and loathing.

It took me hours to get dressed this morning, and when I finally got into my car to drive to CBT, I was fighting the urge to crash my car for most of the journey. While there the thoughts got more and more overwhelming until all I could think about was ways to kill or main myself. I had to sit with the counsellors for about 45 minutes after the session until I felt safe enough to drive home without killing myself. Most of my thoughts today have been about stabbing something sharp into my carotid artery so I could bleed out, or repeatedly stabbing myself in the stomach.

The CBT therapist made me call a friend before I left so that I'd have someone around when I got home and be a little safer, and I feel a little calmer, but the thoughts are still there. I'm also terrified that my parents will just turn up at my house to shout at me and tell me what a disappointment and a let down I am and probably fire me, because they obviously care more about this one job getting done than my health.

I've arranged to be driven over to my partner's later so I don't have to drive myself in case the feelings don't go away, or driving exacerbates them, so am safe for now, and will have someone looking after me for tonight, tomorrow, and a bit of Saturday.

Faking it?

I don't really know what I feel anymore. I feel like I probably recovered from depression and now am just being pathetic and lazy and flakey and letting people down. I'm not suicidal atm, just apathetic and tired all the time, and lacking in motivation or purpose. I want to be able to make myself leave the house, but there's no reason to, no point - I don't have Dorian to walk anymore, and I don't care enough about anything else for it to feel important, even though I know there are things I should care about and want to try to get done, but I just don't give a shit about any of them. I feel like a fraud, and need to just pull myself together and stop being so useless and pathetic. I also just feel like crying all the time for no reason. Ugh. I'm so completely useless.

Play overview

Oh, on a happier note, the play I've been directing went SO WELL last night! I'm so happy with how it went - people came away feeling really moved by it, and I'm so proud of all my wonderful cast! The first night had a few hiccoughs, but last night went so much more smoothly. I'm really looking forward to tonight now, and to the afterparty, where I get to see lovely friends who've come up to see it, and have lots of fun and snuggles. Also, tomorrow I get to spend the day with a partner from London, which I'm really looking forward to. =)

Dreams and illness

Dreams can be really shit sometimes. I had a dream that my ex was really horrible to me, and despite me knowing that that didn't actually happen, the feelings from that dream are still staying with me and it'd hard to shake them. I'm also feeling ill at the moment, which isn't helping. Everything aches sooo much! My glands are all swollen, swallowing is painful, and moving my head really hurts. I'm also just feeling really emotional and weepy today. I don't know if that's to do with the dream, or maybe my time in my cycle. Either way, I just want to cry and sleep all day.

Freefall

Trigger warning: self-harm, suicidal ideation

From being stuck in a dip the other day, I feel like I've now just plummeted to the very bottom of the rollercoaster of emotions that my brain seems to enjoy putting me on. 

I feel like I just can't hold myself together anymore. Like I just can't go on like this. I can't do it. 

The other night I did cut myself quite a few times. Nothing deep, only breaking the skin to see the blood, but afterwards, I remembered just how addictive it was. I found a website of photographs of people's self-harm wounds, and morbidly looked through hundreds of them, wishing I was able to make wounds as "well" as other people did. I then bought some first aid supplies from amazon so that I could hurt myself again, as my first aid kit had basically run out. I managed not to buy any scalpels or blades, so I guess that was a plus. 

Today, I had to take rehearsals, and it was so hard. I was trying so hard not to fall apart throughout the whole thing. As soon as I got home I just lay on the sofa and cried. I then had a friend round to watch  some TV which helped distract me a little, but later on when he'd left to get us some food, I cut myself some more, but a bit deeper. The past couple of days I've just felt like there's less and less holding me together, and I've even started having suicidal thoughts again today. I don't know what to do, so right now I'm going to go to bed and take a sleeping tablet so I can't do any more harm to myself. 

Whiny self-absorbed angst

So, this post is going to make me sound horrible. Maybe I am horrible and this is just exposing the real me. Either way, here comes a teenagerish level of whiny self-absorbed ranting.

Today I was helpfully reminded by facebook that the ex I'm still not over is back with his ex. Sure, not a big deal, I hear you say. Well, this was the ex that my ex - screw it, I'll use letters to make this easier. My ex = A. His ex = B.

So, A told me that B is the person who caused his depression in the first place, and is someone he'd never ever want a relationship with again because of how much she hurt him. He had to move back in with his parents, and it took around a year before he could even think about working again. Then about another year working a little while living at home, before being well enough to work a full-time job and live on his own. It was a long, hard struggle for him. After a lot of hurt, and a long time, they became friends again. When I was going out with A, he was still struggling a lot with his depression. After almost 2 and a half years, he ended things because he felt he was too ill to be able to look after himself as well as trying to support me in my illness. So it was still pretty severe. When we broke up, we were about to go on holiday together. As in, in a few days time.

His family were amazing - for the first time I felt like I had a proper family around me who treated me as an adult and wanted me around. They cared about me and how I was doing, and It was ok to be completely honest with them. I'd never had an adult family member treat me like that - like I was equal, and they actually cared about what I had to say, and respected me and my opinions! There was no pretending to be someone I'm not, or avoiding issues. It felt like I'd finally found home.

Breaking up was losing this amazing new family I'd settled into and found my home with, as well as the person I was making plans with and wanted to spend my life with.

Since then, we tried meeting up occasionally to check in with each other, but every time it just reminded me of the family and partner I'd lost, and set me back somewhat in my own recovery. We left it for a while, and more recently, were going to meet up again. A had had a bad day and asked to rearrange, which of course I understood, and suggested that he should contact me when he wanted to see me. That was the 23rd September. I haven't heard from him since.

So seeing not only that they're back in a relationship, but that they're going on holiday now. Argh! It's like she's just taking over where A and I left off. There's also the fact that when we broke up, I asked if this was permanent or temporary, and A said he didn't know. He didn't want to tell me it was permanent when that might not be the case, but he also didn't want me hanging on thinking we'd get back together soon if it didn't happen. So of course, there was nothing really to do except hang on, because there was always a possibility, always hope, that he'd soon be in a good enough place to want us to get back together. So I've got all these angsty sounding things going round my head - Why is he back with B? Of all the people, why her? Why didn't he let me know if he was now ready for a relationship? Doesn't he want me? Was I that easy to just forget? Why hasn't he even contacted me? Doesn't he want me in his life in any way anymore? Why can't I just fucking move on and get over him already? Why am I being such a whiny child about this? Why can't I just accept this and get on with my life?

Poetry

Poetry. I've written some. It might be terrible. Here it is. 

Death's Cruel Machinations

It's not that I would welcome death,

though that way it may seem

to those who cannot read the thoughts

inside my mind. It teems

with overwhelming notions -

thoughts that suffocate and choke -

conspiring with Death's cruel plan

to trap me in his joke.

I've battled Death now countless times

while in my mind he's been,

but I can only fight so long

before I start to dream

of giving up, and leaving this

enfeebled mind forever,

with Death politely helping me

achieve this kind endeavour.

But yet, I know these tantalising

thoughts are not my own -

they're Death's cruel machinations, and

his plots I can postpone.

As long as I'm aware of this,

and I am in control,

I'll carry on this feud with him;

he will not reach his goal.  

Stuck in a dip

I feel like I'm in a bit of a dip at the moment. This week I've had to take one day off work because I just couldn't cope, and had two more days where I was constantly fighting the overwhelming urge to break down and cry while at work. Then today I've had that feeling for nearly 7 hours, just there in the background, sometimes coming to the forefront so it's all I can do to try and hold things together, and other times retreating a little way to a dull ache inside me. I feel like I can't cope with work anymore, and would really like to be able to quit and get some sort of disability allowance for a while while I try to put myself back together, but then I feel like such a fraud for thinking about going on benefits when I'm physically fine, and when it isn't a constant problem. Sure, this week I've been struggling to function, but a lot of the time I don't. I really don't know what to do about this or what would be best for my mental health. I also feel pathetic because I only work for four hours a day as it is, and I'm even finding that too much.

I'm trying to remember that I'm still a lot better than when I was at my worst, and that things won't be like this forever, but it's hard. Whenever I'm in the feeling, it seems like it's permanent. Hopefully I'm at the bottom of this current dip, and there'll soon be a bit of uphill progress to get me back to being able to cope with things.

Progress

I was about to write a blog about how things seemed to be going ok at the moment, and I found this draft that I wrote in May:

"I've been crying for at least an hour. One whole fucking hour. I'm so pissed off with myself for still being like this. I want to scream and shout and beat myself up for still being this pathetic, weak, useless excuse for a human being. I want to punish myself for feeling like this. I want to hurl abuse at this pathetic person who's taken over and bleed her out of my body. I should be over A by now. Wtf is wrong with me? God I hate myself so much. I wish I'd just die."


It's amazing how much better I've got in just 4 months. I'm now settled into a new house with a new housemate, both of which seem to be really helping me. I've been getting up, showered and dressed every day since moving here, getting out of the house to walk Dorian, and even getting my washing up done! Aside from the practical things though, mentally, I've been feeling almost normal again. Sure, I still have dips where I feel low, but they're nowhere near as severe as they used to be, and don't last anywhere near as long. I've actually started thinking about the future now, and have even begun planning things I want to do with my life! Yes, I still think about A from time to time and feel a bit sad that something so wonderful had to end, and there's still a part of me that hopes that we could be together again, but overall, I'm starting to get some of my life back. I'm enjoying things, and often feeling like a functioning human.


I've been using a website called moodscope to keep track of my moods, and looking at the overall graph since I started in July, you can see the improvement already!

So this is partly a reminder to myself, that despite feeling a bit low today, things are actually going lots better in the grand scheme of things. I might feel low compared to yesterday, but a couple of months ago I was nowhere near this level, and hopefully that trend will keep going. 

Update

So things weren't exactly great last time I blogged. Since then, I've been to my GP, who switched me onto a new drug. I was told to just stop the other one cold turkey, and start the other one. This resulted in me having intense withdrawal symptoms including vertigo and being unable to work for almost 2 weeks. I then saw my psychiatrist, who told me in not so many words that my gp had been an idiot, that from the high dosage I was on, no one should have stopped my dosage without tapering it down gradually. She also told me that the drug my gp had put me on wasn't useful for me, and so I've now stopped that, and am going back onto the ones I was on, only because my gp has messed with the dosage, I now have to gradually climb back up to where I was over a month and a bit. *sigh*

This means that I'm operating at a much lower level than I had been - I have much fewer spoons in any given day, and am much more quickly worn out emotionally as well as physically. Of course, this would be the week that I've got 5 hour long rehearsals coming up every day, so it'd be draining even if this weren't the case.

In good news though, my psychiatrist has referred me to someone she really recommends to help with my recovery, and has given me the names of other good people who I should hopefully be able to get NHS referrals for.