Stuff and things and shit.

Trigger warning: suicidal ideation, self-harming thoughts

So, for the past few days I've been feeling rather low, and unable to do anything. I was asked to do some work for my parents' company and agreed to it, thinking I'd be feeling better. Last night, when I realised that things were in fact getting worse, I let them know that I didn't think I'd be able to manage it, having not been able to leave the house, and seeing as just eating had been a real struggle. I was told that I couldn't let them down because this was important to the company. I told them I knew that, but I really wasn't feeling up to it. I told them that driving when I feel low tends to make me feel suicidal and I feel unsafe when on the motorways. I was told that I should just find someone else to drive me, and to make sure I got the work done. I was told I was being selfish and inconsiderate to let them down again and that if they lost the business and had to sell the house and animals it'd be my fault. It's not like I felt guilty already. They kept saying everything possible to make me feel guilty, and my dad said it was implausible that I'd been able to go to London last weekend, and was seeing a partner tomorrow, but couldn't do the work for them. I tried explaining about my mental health being ups and downs and coming in cycles, and my dad basically told me that he didn't care, that I needed to do this, and that was that.

So today I've been ridiculously low. I woke up to 6 messages about how selfish and inconsiderate I was, how I needed to call them because it was VERY important, and a number of missed calls. They've been trying to call me all day and I really can't face any more of hearing what a let down and disappointment I am to them. I agonised for ages about telling them I couldn't do the work for fear that they'd react badly because they seriously don't understand mental health, and it seems I shouldn't tell them when I'm ill in the future. Just feeling sick with worry and self-hated and anxiety and loathing.

It took me hours to get dressed this morning, and when I finally got into my car to drive to CBT, I was fighting the urge to crash my car for most of the journey. While there the thoughts got more and more overwhelming until all I could think about was ways to kill or main myself. I had to sit with the counsellors for about 45 minutes after the session until I felt safe enough to drive home without killing myself. Most of my thoughts today have been about stabbing something sharp into my carotid artery so I could bleed out, or repeatedly stabbing myself in the stomach.

The CBT therapist made me call a friend before I left so that I'd have someone around when I got home and be a little safer, and I feel a little calmer, but the thoughts are still there. I'm also terrified that my parents will just turn up at my house to shout at me and tell me what a disappointment and a let down I am and probably fire me, because they obviously care more about this one job getting done than my health.

I've arranged to be driven over to my partner's later so I don't have to drive myself in case the feelings don't go away, or driving exacerbates them, so am safe for now, and will have someone looking after me for tonight, tomorrow, and a bit of Saturday.