Trigger warning: self-harm, suicidal ideation
I feel like I just can't hold myself together anymore. Like I just can't go on like this. I can't do it.
The other night I did cut myself quite a few times. Nothing deep, only breaking the skin to see the blood, but afterwards, I remembered just how addictive it was. I found a website of photographs of people's self-harm wounds, and morbidly looked through hundreds of them, wishing I was able to make wounds as "well" as other people did. I then bought some first aid supplies from amazon so that I could hurt myself again, as my first aid kit had basically run out. I managed not to buy any scalpels or blades, so I guess that was a plus.
Today, I had to take rehearsals, and it was so hard. I was trying so hard not to fall apart throughout the whole thing. As soon as I got home I just lay on the sofa and cried. I then had a friend round to watch some TV which helped distract me a little, but later on when he'd left to get us some food, I cut myself some more, but a bit deeper. The past couple of days I've just felt like there's less and less holding me together, and I've even started having suicidal thoughts again today. I don't know what to do, so right now I'm going to go to bed and take a sleeping tablet so I can't do any more harm to myself.
No comments:
Post a Comment