Coming Out. And Out. And Out.

Constantly coming out is hard. At least 2 years (possibly 3) since I was forced to come out as bi and poly to parents, they still refuse to acknowledge (let alone accept) my relationships. They still pointedly refer to partners as 'your FRIEND'. Every time they purposefully do this, I have to firmly "remind" them that we're partners. They never ask after them. When meeting them they barely even acknowledge them, which really hurts me, and doesn't exactly make partners feel great either.

If someone you love is queer or poly, it's not your place to agree or disagree with their relationship. They're an adult and have a right to love whoever they want. You either accept them with all your heart, or you don't. If you don't, you're choosing to close your heart to the joy their partner(s) brings to their life because they offend your sensibilities or make you uncomfortable. You're telling them that your comfort is more important than their happiness.

As long as you think the problem is with their orientation/relationship and they think the problem is you not accepting them, you'll be driving a wedge between you. You're making your love conditional on them being a different person. Whether or not their relationship/orientation is fixed forever or changes, the horrible feeling that your love is conditional could outlive all of it.

My partners' commitment to me is not contingent on my loving others less than them. It's a level of love and commitment I could never get in a monogamous relationship. This is fundamental, and makes me feel safe, secure, loved, and cherished.

Slipping

The last few days I've felt quite emotionally fragile - weepy and low, and not feeling able to cope with much. I've wanted to cry for no discernible reason, On Saturday I had to leave my course after lunch - if I'd stayed any longer I would've just broken down in tears. I knew that leaving early would mean being paired with someone different for my case study - someone I don't get on with - but I just wasn't able to continue.

I've felt a lot more apathetic and lethargic. On Friday I did the absolute minimum work for my course that I could do, and since then, despite having lots of things to do, I've just not cared enough about anything to get them done. I've ignored messages from friends for no good reason, I just have no desire to do anything.

I'm worried I'm slipping. I seem to have be climbing a gradual but steady incline for a while, and now it feels like I'm starting to slip back down the track. I'm worried that I'll gain momentum and end up hurtling right back down to the base of the slope. I'm worried I won't be able to finish my course, that this'll be another thing in a long line of tasks I haven't been able to complete. Just another thing in a long list of failures. I'm worried that I'm not really even ill anymore, that I'm just a lazy person who can't be bothered to do anything. Maybe I've become so used to not being able to do things, to feeling and acting depressed, that it's just become the way I operate. It's just become second nature and I don't even bother trying.

Dreams and Reality

Trigger warning: abuse, assault, rape


For some time now, I've been having incredibly disturbing dreams, which seem to mix together the violence and abuse I suffered at home with the rape I endured at uni. They're generally about my parents abusing and raping me. In all of them I'm trying to get out of that situation, but either not being strong enough and just being laughed at or overpowered, or being unable to because doing so would put my little sisters in harm's way. Sometimes it's trying to convince one parent about what the other is doing to me, and being dismissed and not believed, or simply ignored because they don't care. These dreams are so real and vivid that they stay with me for a long time, and the feeling stays with me at least all day, often longer. The more they happen, the more real they feel, and I wake up feeling hugely traumatised and distressed. I'm finding it very hard to put these out of my mind at the moment, which often makes me feel really overwhelmed and tearful.

I'm not entirely sure how to deal with this right now. I'll bring it up next time I have my EMDR appointment and see what my psychologist says, but until then, I guess I'll just have to live with it and try to distract myself as much as possible.

Musings on the past

A couple of weeks ago, I was feeling a little low, and my brain decided that the best things to do in that state was to look through photos of Dorian, which I knew would make me sad, and to read back through messages between me and A. I'm really good at doing self-destructive things like that when feeling a bit low. I'll know that it's not a good idea, that it'll make me feel bad, and yet some part of my brain wants me to feel that. It's like I have to be feeling a certain level of bad before it's valid. Before it's official. Feeling really bad is something I'm used to, something I understand. Feeling just a little bit low is something I don't quite know how to handle. At least I know what to do when I'm in a really low place. It feels almost comforting, because it's a state I know and understand so well.

Since then, I've been dreaming about A a lot, and because I have very vivid, emotional dreams, the mood from them tends to stay with me all day. I'm trying to piece together why I still have such strong thoughts and feelings about him in my dreams, and I think the main reason is how things were left. Firstly, we'd agreed to try to stay in contact and remain in each others' lives, and yet it was always left to me to make any sort of move to try to arrange things, which made me feel less important to him than he was to me. Then there was the very sporadic replies to messages - after cancelling a meet up we'd arranged and agreeing to arrange an alternate date, I didn't hear anything for months, and when I asked if things were ok, I was still ignored. Then there were times when I didn't feel able to see him at social gatherings, so I only went when he wasn't going to be there. He occasionally said he was going to something, and then didn't go, without telling me, so I felt I'd missed out on seeing my friends for nothing. He became suddenly distant and uncommunicative, and a little uncaring, which was very hard to accept. The last time we communicated, he asked me how things were going. I told him, went in to detail about how things were in my life, and asked him how things were with his. That was over a year ago, and he's never responded. I just feel like it's all been left hanging, and I haven't had any closure. I assume at this point that I'm not going to get any, but it's still hard.

Then there's the fact that he got together with B - his partner before me - after we broke up. When A and I started seeing each other, B was very jealous and upset, and acted like I was taking him away from her. She seemed to act like she had ownership over him, like she had a claim and I was trying to split them up, despite the fact that their relationship had been over for a while. I often felt like she resented the fact that we were together, and I didn't feel comfortable in her presence. I don't mind the fact that he's seeing someone else (I am, so it'd be a bit hypocritical if I did), but when we were together he told me so often about the damage that B had done to him, about how she'd been the cause of his depression, and how he could never be in a relationship with her again. Even his mother was worried at the prospect of them living together at one point, because she said that B wasn't good for A. Despite that, he often spoke fondly of her, and I occasionally felt that I didn't measure up to her. The fact that he did get back together with her has just added to the feeling that I was never 'good enough', and I still want to prove to him that I can be. I hate that I still care. I hate the fact that he obviously wants nothing more to do with me and is probably much happier with B than he was with me.

I think the last thing is his family. With A, I felt like I finally had a family who loved and accepted me for who I was. I didn't have to pretend. His mother would talk with me like an adult, and listened to and respected my thoughts and opinions on things. She looked after me as she would her own child, and made me feel one of the family so completely. I spent a lot of time at their family home, and truly felt I had somewhere I belonged. Of course I have wonderful friends and partners now, but I feel like as well as my relationship with A, I lost a family, and a sense of togetherness and belonging that made me feel happy, secure, and like I had a home. I miss that.

Also, a lot of the times I spent with A were amongst the happiest I'd had in years - he supported with me through my depression, which seemed to be getting better while I was with him, and I was able to have fun, and feel fulfilled and loved while I was with him. As soon as he ended things, my mental health took a very severe dip, and I did blame him for a while for that. I still am not sure if I'm back to where I was before we broke up in terms of mental health, but I know I am getting better, and I've finally had a diagnosis that makes sense to me, and found a mental health professional who seems to understand.

I know this post has been a bit of a downer and mulling over the past, but I feel like I needed to write it all down to get my thoughts straight on why this is still affecting me, and hopefully this may help to get some of these feelings out of my system. Despite all of the negatives here, I am doing a lot better than I have been, and I have wonderful friends and partners who make my life better just by being in it.

Antidepressant 'poop-out'

Over the last week or two, I started getting occasional withdrawal symptoms. I haven't stopped taking my antidepressants, but I thought maybe I'd accidentally missed a dose. To make sure I hadn't, I religiously noted down every day when I took my dose, and I definitely haven't missed any. The symptoms only lasted a couple of days, but then the effects of the antidepressants themselves started to wear off.

I've been gradually getting less motivated, barely moving from the sofa during the daytimes. I've also been exhausted most of the time - the smallest thing fatigues me, and I can't face doing things. If it weren't for the fact that it's production week for the show I'm in, I'd definitely have called in sick to rehearsals and stayed on the sofa doing nothing but watching TV. I've been getting more tearful, and feeling constantly like things are too much for me and like I can't cope.

At first I put all of these symptoms down to having had tonsillitis and being on antibiotics possibly interfering with the sertraline, until I realised that the withdrawal symptoms (brain shivers/zaps, worsening depression, etc) started before I went on the antibiotics.

I started googling, and discovered that this is a pretty common occurrence once someone's been on an antidepressant for a while - it just stops working. It's called antidepressant poop-out, or, less amusingly, antidepressant tachyphylaxis. I've made an appointment with my GP for tomorrow morning, and really hope they're able to change me to a new drug, because currently I've got lots of stuff to do, and I just don't care about getting any of it done. I know that they need doing and that I'll be more stressed if I don't do them, but I have absolutely no sense of urgency, or of them being important, and basically just don't care. 

Biiig dip

Trigger warning for suicide attempt

Recently things have been getting a little tough again, and I'm not entirely sure why. Around a week or two ago I tried to overdose on sleeping tablets. Luckily, someone else was there and took the tablets away from me before I did. For a while afterwards I wasn't exactly happy he'd done that, and had multiple moments of feeling suicidal sporadically occurring throughout the days that followed.

Those feelings seem to have gone away now, to be replaced with sporadic moments of feeling like nothing matters and I don't care about anything. I seem to have recurring thoughts of "I can't cope", "I can't do this", "I don't care about anything" and "Everything is shit". These thoughts don't seem to be related to any particular event or experience that I can put my finger on, they simply come along, make me feel terrible and then disappear again. It seems to be whenever I stop and there's nothing to occupy my mind that these thoughts come back.

I feel like I need to distract myself and keep my mind busy 100% of the time, because as soon as I stop these thoughts and feelings catch up with me and I can't cope. If I keep going all of the time though, I'll burn out and will have to stop, which results in those thoughts again, so I don't really know how to avoid this. I managed to arrange a session with my psychologist for the end of this week, so maybe that will help, but in the meantime I'm not really sure what to do. A lot of the time I have no motivation and feel pretty apathetic about doing things, which makes it a real struggle to keep my mind or body busy enough to stave off the depressive thought cycles.

Understanding & supporting someone with depression

It can take a LOT of courage for someone to confide in someone about a mental health problem. The problem with mental health problems as opposed to physical ones, is that it will make you feel guilty for asking for help. It will make you feel like you're not worth help, like none of these problems are real and that you're making them up, or being pathetic for not being able to cope. You really believe that this is not an illness in your brain, but that you are just being worthless/lazy/pathetic. The reality is that it is as much a physical illness as a mental one. Scans of people's brains with and without various mental illnesses show a marked difference in the make-up of the brain and the chemicals within it. It affects the way you think and process information, and skews everything about yourself into a negative. You get trapped in negative cycles of thinking, and no matter what other people say, your brain creates and maintains new pathways of these negative thoughts and ideas, allowing them to grow and become stronger over time.

It can make everyday tasks feel completely overwhelming, so you leave them, and it then makes you feel like a failure for leaving them and not being able to do them, which creates a vicious cycle which is extremely difficult to break. Personally, when things are bad it can actually be very useful for people to treat me as if there's nothing wrong, as the more I focus on the bad things, the more credence I give to those thoughts and it increases the spiral of negativity. Distraction, and becoming involved in everyday things can really help sometimes.

There are other aspects, such as becoming very drained from social situations, sometimes just from being around one or two people. It can be very hard to say that you need to leave a situation, especially if it's just people being lovely to you, because your brain makes you feel guilty for not wanting to be with them. People making it clear that there's no pressure to be there *can* help, but depressed brains often don't believe things that other people say. Being offered the option now and then to be on my own without having to bring it up myself can be really useful, not necessarily as a direct 'do you want to be on your own?' question, because again my brain would tell me that saying yes would be interpreted as selfish and uncaring, but being around other people who occasionally say things like 'I might go and read in my room for a bit', etc makes it feel like a more normal thing to do.

Also, it can be hard, but keep in mind that this is an illness. It can feel frustrating that your best efforts aren't making someone feel better, but depression is not sadness. It is a chemical imbalance in the brain, which cannot be fixed simply by hugs. Treatment of some kind is the key. Medical care is needed - they cannot 'sleep it off', 'snap out of it', or 'decide to get better' any more than someone with a broken arm can make it get better any faster. Try not to feel bad that your support can not solve their problem.

Depression can make you lose interest in things you once cared about, believe that you have no friends and that no one cares about or wants to be around you. I find that when I'm feeling low, I believe that no one would want to be around me when I'm like that, because I'd bring everyone down and ruin their time, and that they must be frustrated with me for not doing things, seeing them often enough, or for not 'trying hard enough' to get better. Making sure you keep in contact - inviting them to things, just checking up on them or calling for a chat - is so important. Even if they don't come to things, it's really helpful to know that people still care and are thinking about you. Keep inviting them to things, even if they hardly ever accept. Offers of help with practical things like tidying or washing up are always helpful, but a lot of people won't take people up on non-specific offers like 'call me anytime' or 'I'm happy to help with things if you need'. Specific plans like 'I'll come round at 10 on Saturday and help with the washing up, and then we can have a cup of tea and chat' will be much more likely to be accepted, although will still be difficult.

The main thing is not to give up. It's extremely hard to accept help, or to believe that people really do want to help, and that's not because they don't think you're a nice person. Their brain changes the way things are processed, and it can be very hard to recognise a healthy thought to one that comes from the brain changes that depression causes.

Things I've found helpful in the past are group classes of things like CBT, and mindfulness. Group classes are especially helpful because they allow you to see that you're not alone, that this is a real illness that other people suffer, and is not just you being useless/lazy/pathetic.

Oh, also - praise small goals. Sometimes getting out of bed can feel like an insurmountable challenges. Sometimes just making sure you eat is tough. Depression can make the smallest tasks seem enormous. On days like this, reminding them that they are ill, and that little things like this are accomplishments in themselves and not to beat themselves up for not being able to do much is really helpful.

It can be hard to understand how difficult depression makes things, especially as it's not something you can see. Please do not doubt what your friend tells you about how hard things are, or not being able to do things. This will only add to their negative thoughts about being worthless or pathetic. Yes, it can feel hurtful when someone consistently cancels plans, or doesn't do simple things, but it's simply the way their brain is working at that time. Letting them know that there's no pressure to do anything they don't feel up to is enormously helpful.

Let them know that they are not alone in this, that they are important to you and that you care. Reassure them that they are not going crazy, they are simply ill. It can feel like you can't trust your own brain, or you believe empirically all the harmful thoughts it creates. Tell them that you're not going to leave or abandon them because of this, and that once they're recovered both of you will still be here.

If they ever talk about suicide or self-harm, stay calm. Firstly, self-harm is generally a way to prevent suicide. Its purpose is not to kill, but to save. Personally, it can feel like cutting and letting some blood out can release the huge build-up of feelings I'm not able to deal with, so I feel calmer and more grounded and stable afterwards. It can be different for everyone of course, but for most people I know, death is not the intention. Make sure they are doing things safely, and encourage them to see a doctor to get help. Self-harm can quickly become an addiction, where it is the only way you can cope with overwhelming feelings.

We have a very strong self-preservation instinct. Even in our most suicidal moments, where everything feels hopeless and nothing seems worth living for, there is a human element that still tries to keep us alive. In general, we will try to get help to preserve this part of us. If someone tells you they are feeling suicidal, it is because this part of them is trying to help. They want to find a reason - any reason - not to go through with things. First off, don't panic. Don't make them feel guilty for feeling like this, or tell them how selfish it is. Their brain is ill and they need help. Ask if they have a plan, and if they have the means to carry it out. Most of the time, this won't be the case.

If they have a plan, ask what it is, and if they are alone. See if there is anyone they could ask to come over and be with them. They don't need to tell them they are feeling suicidal if they don't want to - it can feel very embarrassing to admit for some reason, like you're letting people down. Most of the time, simply having someone around until the feeling subsides is enough. Often, just the act of talking to them will help the feelings to subside. Keep them on the phone (or talking, if you're with them) about anything they want to talk about. Ask them questions, keep them talking. The few times I've called samaritans with these feelings, 5 or 10 minutes later I've felt ok again, and safe enough to be on my own again, or calm enough to call a friend to get someone to come round.

If talking doesn't help, you can tell them you're phoning an ambulance. Keep them on the line and keep them talking and calm while you call the ambulance on another line. If you can't do this, tell them you'll phone them back in X minutes, and ask them to keep the phone by them so they can answer.

Most of all, be understanding. They're suffering from a horrible illness where their brain has stopped them from being able to experience any pleasure at all, only suffering. This is their desperate attempt to stop the mental pain they've been going through, and not an attempt to get attention, or a selfish act. The brain stops you from being able to feel anything sometimes, even love for those you normally care about.

Latest update

Since the drama with my parents' company I've been seriously low. Every moment I'm on my own I immediately stay crying, and being alone especially at night feels very scary. My dreams have become more and more painful and upsetting, and I'm scared to go to sleep. I feel like I'll never get over this, and have completely lost the ability to function properly. I either keep myself busy the whole time and pretend nothing's wrong but break down every second I'm alone or not distracted, or I'm completely overwhelmed by the depression and anxiety. Every time I look at my phone in terrified it'll be my parents telling me again what a let down I am, or that they're firing me or disowning me, which leads onto all the worries about sorting out benefits etc and all the stress related to that and job hunting etc when I really feel like I just can't do any of that at the moment. I can't do anything, everything is just too much to cope with. I feel like I'm losing control, like I'm on the verge of some sort of breakdown.

Stuff and things and shit.

Trigger warning: suicidal ideation, self-harming thoughts

So, for the past few days I've been feeling rather low, and unable to do anything. I was asked to do some work for my parents' company and agreed to it, thinking I'd be feeling better. Last night, when I realised that things were in fact getting worse, I let them know that I didn't think I'd be able to manage it, having not been able to leave the house, and seeing as just eating had been a real struggle. I was told that I couldn't let them down because this was important to the company. I told them I knew that, but I really wasn't feeling up to it. I told them that driving when I feel low tends to make me feel suicidal and I feel unsafe when on the motorways. I was told that I should just find someone else to drive me, and to make sure I got the work done. I was told I was being selfish and inconsiderate to let them down again and that if they lost the business and had to sell the house and animals it'd be my fault. It's not like I felt guilty already. They kept saying everything possible to make me feel guilty, and my dad said it was implausible that I'd been able to go to London last weekend, and was seeing a partner tomorrow, but couldn't do the work for them. I tried explaining about my mental health being ups and downs and coming in cycles, and my dad basically told me that he didn't care, that I needed to do this, and that was that.

So today I've been ridiculously low. I woke up to 6 messages about how selfish and inconsiderate I was, how I needed to call them because it was VERY important, and a number of missed calls. They've been trying to call me all day and I really can't face any more of hearing what a let down and disappointment I am to them. I agonised for ages about telling them I couldn't do the work for fear that they'd react badly because they seriously don't understand mental health, and it seems I shouldn't tell them when I'm ill in the future. Just feeling sick with worry and self-hated and anxiety and loathing.

It took me hours to get dressed this morning, and when I finally got into my car to drive to CBT, I was fighting the urge to crash my car for most of the journey. While there the thoughts got more and more overwhelming until all I could think about was ways to kill or main myself. I had to sit with the counsellors for about 45 minutes after the session until I felt safe enough to drive home without killing myself. Most of my thoughts today have been about stabbing something sharp into my carotid artery so I could bleed out, or repeatedly stabbing myself in the stomach.

The CBT therapist made me call a friend before I left so that I'd have someone around when I got home and be a little safer, and I feel a little calmer, but the thoughts are still there. I'm also terrified that my parents will just turn up at my house to shout at me and tell me what a disappointment and a let down I am and probably fire me, because they obviously care more about this one job getting done than my health.

I've arranged to be driven over to my partner's later so I don't have to drive myself in case the feelings don't go away, or driving exacerbates them, so am safe for now, and will have someone looking after me for tonight, tomorrow, and a bit of Saturday.

Faking it?

I don't really know what I feel anymore. I feel like I probably recovered from depression and now am just being pathetic and lazy and flakey and letting people down. I'm not suicidal atm, just apathetic and tired all the time, and lacking in motivation or purpose. I want to be able to make myself leave the house, but there's no reason to, no point - I don't have Dorian to walk anymore, and I don't care enough about anything else for it to feel important, even though I know there are things I should care about and want to try to get done, but I just don't give a shit about any of them. I feel like a fraud, and need to just pull myself together and stop being so useless and pathetic. I also just feel like crying all the time for no reason. Ugh. I'm so completely useless.