New Year's Eve Rollercoaster

Trigger warnings - self-harm, suicide attempts

So, New Year's Eve. I think I managed fairly well, considering. It was a very up-and-down evening for emotions.

I went to a party at a friend's house. It started out fairly well: friends, drinks, laughter, chatting, etc. Lately however, alcohol and I haven't been the best of friends - it's often contributed to making me feel depressed. All was going well (even very well) until a little later.

First off, a friend made a joke about suicide. He looked over and apologised, and I smiled. I thought I was fine. Yeah...

A few moments later another friend noticed me being 'fine' and took me into the other room, where I had a bit or a cry. Ok, a lot of a cry. He was understanding and supportive and generally lovely, and made me feel good again. There may then have been some kissing =P

I went back into the room again, and everything was ok again for a while. I got rather sleepy for a bit, but perked up again with some more sugary drinks and chatting. When it came to midnight, people did the countdown thing, and went outside to watch the fireworks. As I stood there, I remembered my last new year, when I'd been with my ex, drinking champagne, kissing and cuddling, setting off fireworks, laughing and joking and generally being happy.

I tried to stay outside with everyone else but the thoughts just got louder until I was standing there with tears silently streaming down my face.

Again, a friend came and took my inside, and let me cry on him. I asked to be left alone, and for a while he stayed with me because he could see that I probably shouldn't be alone. Once I was alone in the kitchen, I looked through the knife drawer. I took out the largest knife and dragged it across my arm. For once, this wasn't intended as self-harm to try to prevent suicide. It was to cut as deep as possible in order to cut my veins open and bleed out. Well luckily the friend whose house I was at had really shit knives. It barely even cut through my skin! I tried another 4 knives, and the same thing happened. Seriously. I was pressing really hard! I finally decided it obviously wasn't meant to be, and I tried to carry on socialising.

I cried on a few other people, and eventually started to feel a bit better, and ended up staying up 'til 4:30 just chatting and playing with friends, and actually really enjoyed the rest of the evening!