Freefall

Trigger warning: self-harm, suicidal ideation

From being stuck in a dip the other day, I feel like I've now just plummeted to the very bottom of the rollercoaster of emotions that my brain seems to enjoy putting me on. 

I feel like I just can't hold myself together anymore. Like I just can't go on like this. I can't do it. 

The other night I did cut myself quite a few times. Nothing deep, only breaking the skin to see the blood, but afterwards, I remembered just how addictive it was. I found a website of photographs of people's self-harm wounds, and morbidly looked through hundreds of them, wishing I was able to make wounds as "well" as other people did. I then bought some first aid supplies from amazon so that I could hurt myself again, as my first aid kit had basically run out. I managed not to buy any scalpels or blades, so I guess that was a plus. 

Today, I had to take rehearsals, and it was so hard. I was trying so hard not to fall apart throughout the whole thing. As soon as I got home I just lay on the sofa and cried. I then had a friend round to watch  some TV which helped distract me a little, but later on when he'd left to get us some food, I cut myself some more, but a bit deeper. The past couple of days I've just felt like there's less and less holding me together, and I've even started having suicidal thoughts again today. I don't know what to do, so right now I'm going to go to bed and take a sleeping tablet so I can't do any more harm to myself. 

Whiny self-absorbed angst

So, this post is going to make me sound horrible. Maybe I am horrible and this is just exposing the real me. Either way, here comes a teenagerish level of whiny self-absorbed ranting.

Today I was helpfully reminded by facebook that the ex I'm still not over is back with his ex. Sure, not a big deal, I hear you say. Well, this was the ex that my ex - screw it, I'll use letters to make this easier. My ex = A. His ex = B.

So, A told me that B is the person who caused his depression in the first place, and is someone he'd never ever want a relationship with again because of how much she hurt him. He had to move back in with his parents, and it took around a year before he could even think about working again. Then about another year working a little while living at home, before being well enough to work a full-time job and live on his own. It was a long, hard struggle for him. After a lot of hurt, and a long time, they became friends again. When I was going out with A, he was still struggling a lot with his depression. After almost 2 and a half years, he ended things because he felt he was too ill to be able to look after himself as well as trying to support me in my illness. So it was still pretty severe. When we broke up, we were about to go on holiday together. As in, in a few days time.

His family were amazing - for the first time I felt like I had a proper family around me who treated me as an adult and wanted me around. They cared about me and how I was doing, and It was ok to be completely honest with them. I'd never had an adult family member treat me like that - like I was equal, and they actually cared about what I had to say, and respected me and my opinions! There was no pretending to be someone I'm not, or avoiding issues. It felt like I'd finally found home.

Breaking up was losing this amazing new family I'd settled into and found my home with, as well as the person I was making plans with and wanted to spend my life with.

Since then, we tried meeting up occasionally to check in with each other, but every time it just reminded me of the family and partner I'd lost, and set me back somewhat in my own recovery. We left it for a while, and more recently, were going to meet up again. A had had a bad day and asked to rearrange, which of course I understood, and suggested that he should contact me when he wanted to see me. That was the 23rd September. I haven't heard from him since.

So seeing not only that they're back in a relationship, but that they're going on holiday now. Argh! It's like she's just taking over where A and I left off. There's also the fact that when we broke up, I asked if this was permanent or temporary, and A said he didn't know. He didn't want to tell me it was permanent when that might not be the case, but he also didn't want me hanging on thinking we'd get back together soon if it didn't happen. So of course, there was nothing really to do except hang on, because there was always a possibility, always hope, that he'd soon be in a good enough place to want us to get back together. So I've got all these angsty sounding things going round my head - Why is he back with B? Of all the people, why her? Why didn't he let me know if he was now ready for a relationship? Doesn't he want me? Was I that easy to just forget? Why hasn't he even contacted me? Doesn't he want me in his life in any way anymore? Why can't I just fucking move on and get over him already? Why am I being such a whiny child about this? Why can't I just accept this and get on with my life?

Poetry

Poetry. I've written some. It might be terrible. Here it is. 

Death's Cruel Machinations

It's not that I would welcome death,

though that way it may seem

to those who cannot read the thoughts

inside my mind. It teems

with overwhelming notions -

thoughts that suffocate and choke -

conspiring with Death's cruel plan

to trap me in his joke.

I've battled Death now countless times

while in my mind he's been,

but I can only fight so long

before I start to dream

of giving up, and leaving this

enfeebled mind forever,

with Death politely helping me

achieve this kind endeavour.

But yet, I know these tantalising

thoughts are not my own -

they're Death's cruel machinations, and

his plots I can postpone.

As long as I'm aware of this,

and I am in control,

I'll carry on this feud with him;

he will not reach his goal.  

Stuck in a dip

I feel like I'm in a bit of a dip at the moment. This week I've had to take one day off work because I just couldn't cope, and had two more days where I was constantly fighting the overwhelming urge to break down and cry while at work. Then today I've had that feeling for nearly 7 hours, just there in the background, sometimes coming to the forefront so it's all I can do to try and hold things together, and other times retreating a little way to a dull ache inside me. I feel like I can't cope with work anymore, and would really like to be able to quit and get some sort of disability allowance for a while while I try to put myself back together, but then I feel like such a fraud for thinking about going on benefits when I'm physically fine, and when it isn't a constant problem. Sure, this week I've been struggling to function, but a lot of the time I don't. I really don't know what to do about this or what would be best for my mental health. I also feel pathetic because I only work for four hours a day as it is, and I'm even finding that too much.

I'm trying to remember that I'm still a lot better than when I was at my worst, and that things won't be like this forever, but it's hard. Whenever I'm in the feeling, it seems like it's permanent. Hopefully I'm at the bottom of this current dip, and there'll soon be a bit of uphill progress to get me back to being able to cope with things.